Someone Slap the Crazy Woman...........

“Howdy, Sooo, today's ride was pretty ordinary.” That was how my email started to Coach. After that is was a download of misery.
 

Up at 4.40am. I was awake though and drove through the dark feeling ok. I needed to shut my eyes for 5mins again, but that never happened. Bike ready, we gathered in the dark under the veranda. Hushed whispers so as not to offend the neighbours. No pre-ride talk this morning. Obviously Ava and Megz needed more sleep.

We headed out and I found myself in familiar territory with Lil Dog, Bec, Juannie & Deb. Physically I was fine, the legs were still feeling the heavy effects of the pump class a few days prior and so I struggled on the hills a bit and fitness wise I guess. To the sound of wheels on tarmac and the occasional call to avoid a hazard, the sun rose in a red ball and the girls paid homage to the Sun God instead of the Rain God who had plagued them for weeks.

I was dropped resoundly on the steep hills and the girls waited patiently for me to catch up. Finally the big one loomed ahead of me. The closer I got to Bald hill the more apprehensive I became. As we started the ascent I told Lil Dog not to wait for me if I didn’t make it. (A self fulfilling prophesy perhaps? More like setting myself up for a fail). The last few rides up this way had either seen me turn back early, or make it halfway and have a chat with Bob Scott before rolling home.

But the stand out of today was the fucking anxiety attack I had half way up Bald Hill. I am not exactly sure what was going on, but mentally, I really really fell apart.  I even scared myself when I couldn't find a strategy to get through it. Usually I can self talk some positive 'come on ol' girl fucking get up this hill" or “Imagine how good you will feel knowing its behind you.” blah blah blah. But nothing worked. It took all of my energy to make my legs keep turning beyond the halfway mark and a small flat drive to pull out on to. I counted 10 pedals standing, 10 pedals sitting past the ‘45’ km sign. One more bend! I was breathing heavy and fast and I soon recognised anxiety and hyperventilating. I mentally tuned in to my breathing and screamed to self for calm. Slowly I crept to the top. There was no fist pumping celebration at the top as I rolled in to the expectant faces of the rest of the girls, just complete and uttter exhaustion mixed with fear and a good dollop of relief.

It wasn't just bald hill, it was the entire ride. As I sat there at the top, not appreciating the view, I had to do use all my willpower to not turn back right there. Lil Dog said she would turn back as her knees were playing up. I had no such excuse and I knew I just had to keep going. We headed into the Park and I managed to distract myself (going down hill) but when we started climbing up just past the Waterfall turnoff....I turned making some lame excuse before my brain could stop me and then I was left limping back by myself, no phone. WTF! I stopped at the Waterfall turnoff and berrated myself for turning back. Honestly my legs were still sore from the strength work and I hit myself mentally again with “why did you stop going to the gym?” Easy now to say, but at the time the gym had been dropped as work was out of control. But there should always be time for training.

Limping home, riding solo was slow but it wasn't that bad, the pressure seemed to lift a bit and the trip back to the first clearing was pretty quick really. I waited for AOA and Jac at Bald Hill and then rode home with Jac which was fine and the closer to home I got the stronger I felt and happier. Funny that!

I don't know exactly what happened. I have been doing 80kms regularly enough. Doing some hard rides with the boys, plenty of hills. Just the thought of going into the Park did my head in big time and while I didn't get to the tears, that didn't mean I was totally Fucked emotionally. But if I admit honestly, I have not done the work I should have been doing and knowing this meant I knew already that I was undercooked fitness wise. It was always going to hurt and I knew it!

I know the last ride I did into the Park was the day I went to Bendeella with Al and the gang. Etched into my head as it hurt like hell. That was last winter I think. And each time I have ridden since, I have not made it to the top of the hill for one reason or another and I know I have been avoiding/dreading this for some time. But an Anxiety attack? as in can't breathe, jeesuz!

I know I need to beat the demon and all that. So I will be back next week and the week after that (repeat) until it doesn't hurt any more. I just didn't expect it and it scared the shit outta me like it did.  I think I will take Gazza as wingman next ride and just ride to Garrie together without anyone else. Maybe on a Sunday or something. That way I can have my melt downs in private. Someone Slap That Crazy Woman, she needs a resounding Makatush and a good dollop of honesty. You need to work harder Sammi.

Breakfast	Cals	Carbs	Fat	Prot	Sod	Sugar
Greek Yoghurt - Greek Style Natural Yoghurt, 50 g	57	2	5	3	31	2
Raspberries - Raw, 10 raspberries	10	2	0	0	0	1
Rolled Oats.. - Uncle Tobys, 0.5 cup	97	27	4	6	6	0
Lunch
Ancient Grains - Organic Millet and Spelt Sourdough, 31.5 g (2 slices)	78	15	1	3	142	0
Eggs - Poached (whole egg), 1 large	74	0	5	6	147	0
Homemade - Cashew Butter, 0.25 tbsp(s)	11	0	1	0	6	0
Avocados - Raw, 5 g(s)	8	0	1	0	0	0
Lean Bacon - Eye, 50 g	68	0	3	11	750	0
Dinner
Chicken tenerloins - Chicken tenderloins, 2 oz	45	1	0	11	80	0
Kale - Cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 1 cup, chopped	36	7	1	2	30	2
Carrots - Cooked, boiled, drained, with salt, 0.13 cup slices	7	2	0	0	59	1
Fountain - Soy Sauce, 5 ml/1 teaspoon	3	0	0	0	360	0
Planet Organic - Rice Malt Syrup, 1 g	0	1	0	0	0	1
Snacks
Winners - Cadel's Mountain Mix - Sustained Energy Bar, 55 g	214	34	6	4	4	10
Endura - Magnesium Rehydration Formula, 1 scoop	90	23	0	0	63	23
Nuts - Almonds, 10 almond	69	2	6	3	0	1
Dextro Energy - Liquid Gel (Lemon + Caffeine) 60ml, 180 ml	339	84	0	0	9	43
Sunflower Seeds - Raw, 0.13 cup	88	3	8	4	0	1
Flax Seed - Roasted Milled, 1.56 tablespoon(15g)	78	2	5	2	8	0
Hazelnuts - Raw, 8.45 gram	54	1	5	1	0	0
Oats, 0.2 cup	118	20	2	5	1	0
Seeds - Chia seeds, dried, 7.28 gram	36	3	2	1	1	0
Psyllium - Whole Psyllium Husks, 0.26 tbsp	5	1	0	0	3	0
Pure Harvest - Rice Malt Syrup Organic, 3.9 g	12	3	0	0	0	2
Coconut Oil - Coconut Oil - Organic, 5.85 Gm (1 Tbsp)	50	0	6	0	0	0
Totals	1,647	233	61	62	2,007	87
	Cals	Carbs	Fat	Prot	Sod	Sugar

With a 4hr ride I obviously need the Glucose. So the sugars are up a fair bit today. But arguably, I should have burnt them off. I sure was low and depleted and a Cranky Bear for the rest of the day as a result of the effort and mental strain.

Sugars in - 87 grams.... That equates to 87/4= 22 teaspoons of SUGAR. I am now off to explore other options for sports nutrition. Coconut water anyone?