Is this thing working???…..

What a shit week. I mean seriously! I have been running subpar all week. I even had to have a midday nap on a couple of days. Training also, not that great. I’m feeling loads of mixed emotions right now. Seriously body hating, worrying about not having enough training completed to be able to complete Husky long course in any reasonable time and without embarrassing myself. Losing confidence daily in myself and my abilities and just feeling fat and old. 

I have lost sight of my peers. It seems that laughing about getting to Kona through natural attrition has become a reality. But it also seems that I’m now part of the numbers that are dwindling out the back of the pack. I am now 15kgs overweight and I can’t get it off me. Far out! I also can’t see my peers anymore. I have to work hard to name a few and I get to about 4-5 and that’s it. Im looking for inspiration. Someone or people that can inspire me and lead me to success. It’s so frustrating. I’ve spent so much money in this to possibly fail, or worse, get bored, throw my hands in the air and give up. When is it ok to stop? Im not sure. Maybe I’m flogging a dead horse. Maybe my job was to just show Kez the way and then step aside? Seems very plausible. Seems right. 

Other part of me wants to soldier on for one more Ironman. see this through, finish and walk away. and then drop back to sprints. Have some fun whenever I feel like it. Do bike packing adventures with the family and then just do training with less load and no pressure.

It’s typical prerace, no training doubts. Bowel problems and prerace jitters I guess but I honestly thought the weight would drop off when I started to work again. Diet isn’t always on point, I’m a closet snacker and yes I indulge, but wowsers do I need to be 100% on? I’m currently at 75-76kgs that’s 15 kilos heavier than I was last Ironman and now I can’t get below 75. So drastic measures, engaged! Insert shakes, soups, berries and veggies. I’ll check in next week with update. 

Slowly the positive side of me will return somehow. x

Weekly Recap

In review, A somewhat frustrating and disheartening week unfortunately. 

I just couldn’t seem to get my mojo back.

It’s funny, the family have had 4 weeks together away from work. We have had a wonderful time together. But we all are seeking routine. Interesting, that we complain about the mundane but crave the routine tasks of predictable and comfort. I like the security, the consistency, the routine, the not having to think, the not wasting energy on change. I like knowing Tuesday is bike/swim day.

I was feeling disheartened late last week because I was comparing my journey against others. What the hell is with that? Too much time on the socials and not enough time doing I suspect. Yesterday I just felt blech all day. Went out on a 100km bike ride, to only hit something in the road and smash a tyre and rim. Limp home and lay on the lounge all day. I finally got up and added a 40km Zwift sesh in to help ease the pain. 

The scales don’t move! So fucking frustrating! 

Here’s to the start of another week. The aim is to, back to routine, tick all of the boxes, eat well, sleep well, stretch and find a strategy ready for next weekend. Oh and fix a wheel. 

The beat up

I’d love to be able to say confidently and honestly that I love my body. But the truth is I have mixed emotions. While sometimes I can see how strong I am (example riding 100kms on the bike last weekend) I more often am hating on myself. Too fat, too flabby, to weak, eating wrong, putting weight on…. The list of hate thoughts goes on. I try to remind myself that I am 56 now and it’s ‘ok’ but I am not satisfied with ‘it’s just ok’ I see it as a daily struggle and at night especially I chastise myself for eating that ‘wrong’ thing today only to climb onto the scales in the morning to see the ‘damage’. This years intention is to be kind to myself and learn to accept. Wish me luck.

On other news, I bought a bike. Yes another bike. A Cervelo Caledonia - Oasis. Mrs Plum, my wonderful Specialised roadie will go to my daughter. She gets the best hand-me-downs. My way of keeping her in my life, being fit and happy and can afford to get a good bike by buying mine. It’s a win all round. So following the Cluedo naming convention and the fact that the new bike is green (officially Oasis) Reverend Green or The Reverend! Will be arriving in February. 

I guess at the end of the day the takeaway here is that I’m not stopping anytime soon. Onward and upward, we continue to work. 

Off to the Physio

So a lot has changed over the years. One significant change is that I no longer have a coach. Stagnating in place was a waste of money and so I stopped coaching. A tough decision at the time but in a way, a huge relief. It took the pressure off. But I also lost my way. No coach though, meant also no physio as coach was both. It was ideal at the time because coach could change my program to suit the current injury or issue. But now I go by feel and train around what my body can do. There is a lot less pressure. 

A buddy put me on to this new guy. A young Italian physio who has a different approach to managing my chronic itb issues. He doesn’t hammer the fascia with hours of elbow dragging and needling. Instead he gets into the back of my calf. I can feel the tightness. Yikes!

Also, I had a frozen shoulder. Which was the original reason for going to see him. He has fixed it. But of course now the other shoulder is having troubles. But the physio is all part of Ironman and I go routinely for a treatment. 

I hope though that he can fix my hips. I put my hip out just before Christmas and it left me with some residual tightness in the glute. I think my hip may still be forward. So let’s hope for some positive corrections and so I can run again. 

Lost it….

Because no one reads this but me, I feel safe putting this here.

Where did it go? Far out. 9 years just disappeared in an instant. One minute I was an Ironman triathlete, the next…an old menopausal lady. We’ll post menopausal now to be honest. Constant itb issues ground me down, a program on repeat and try to improve, but never did, left me exhausted and deflated, and new job, lost love, study, injury and suddenly not only am I old, but grossly over weight and miserable also..

I thought signing up for Ironman again would be the motivation I needed to lose the weight. But frustratingly the weight continues to pile on because I am a closet eater. I didn’t realise until recently that I am always snacking. But also, I can’t break away from the sugar. I know I can’t drink alcohol and rarely do. My portions continue to be too big. Husband/chef is always giving me big portions and I have no will power to say stop and not clean my plate. 

While I am getting the training done, the results are not showing on the scales and it seems it’s getting worse!

We went bike packing for two days. Photos of course.

Here it is in all its chubby glory. My rational mind says, “hey Sammi, you’re 56 now and it’s ok to have a few extra pounds” of course Instagram, running with others half my age and being my own worse critic means that I am miserably unhappy with how I look. Regardless of how fit I might be - having ridden 110kms last weekend! Getting older is hard. I forget though, that’s the kicker! So today I bought….a new bike! Far out! And an expensive one at that. Shouldn’t I be winding down now? But I have inspiration. I have Mary, Susan, Angela, Sandra…. All women older than me being fit and healthy and out there. But all  skinnier than me and fit and trim. I need more inspiration from older women. A path to follow. I don’t want to give up, so I pick up my shit and keep going right?!