And it's only the beginning of the tri season and already the AP.10 crew are pulling on their team shirts and climbing up the podium stairs. Some crew members are runners while others do triathlons, so 'we' are seen at lots of different sporting arenas. Including my own husband representing the team in Canada earlier in October.
It's hard to put words around how I am feeling about this. Don't get me wrong. I am so proud and ecstatic about my family (cause that's what we are!) achieving and reaching their goals. Just yesterday one of our own was belting out his first Ironman and we were all cheering him on from across the other side of the continent. I feel honoured to be part of the Crew and as the 2nd longest standing athlete in the family I feel a special glow, as I have been able to welcome and see them from the start til now and have witnessed first hand their progress and development.
But, and there is a but, possibly more a butt! But yep, there is a but. I feel.......not intimidated, as we are each competing against ourselves and I am a lot older than most of the Crew so there is no way I would be competing against them. But I guess I feel the pressure to perform. The pressure to perform.....hmm. What does that mean?
Everyone is doing so well, that the moment I finally step out and decide to actually race, there will be an added pressure. I have no doubt that everyone in the Crew would embrace me where ever and what ever my result gave me. It is the pressure that I give myself that is the problem. (hence the BUTT- head) Not wanting to disappoint, wanting to be good enough, be respected, wanting to make Coach proud, wanting to make myself proud, wanting to do well, wanting to beat the shit out of my competitors. Hey, I never said I wasn't competitive!
These are all normal thoughts, I'm sure. I have talked to others who feel the same as me, not wanting to let Coach down and to represent the AP.10 Crew well. I just have to channel these thoughts and energy into my training. I can't dwell on the fact that I may never get a P.B or climb a podium. But I can be true! True to the program, true to myself and Coach. Honest in my delivery, and stick to my goal.
Get fit and strong. Not race again until I know I can do the job and feel my itb will hold me. Having said that though, I am racing this weekend as part of a team. I think Coach is going to ride for us and Gazza will run. No pressure to walk on water at all Sammi. arghhhhhhhhhh