Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Throwing your hands in the air doesn't mean you fail....right?

But I do feel like I have failed. I am walking out on 16 years of faithful service at work where I love my job and I love the people I work with. I have been in a position where I have helped so many people with their careers and all in the name of putting children 1st. See, I work for a large organisation who manages child care services. I head the HR department. I spent time working with the children too, but now I recruit passionate people to work with children

Now I am leaving and have made my decision. A whole heap of boring mindless crap is unfolding and it is such a sad way to say goodbye to a place I love. BUT that all aside.......this is effecting me more than anything ever has before.

So, today I threw my hands in the air and admitted that I needed some help. During my lunch break I found myself walking to a medical centre and taking a number. I spoke to a little Indian doctor who seemed to take a genuine interest in me. I expected some uncaring doctor who spends their day giving masses of scripts for colds to greet me. But here was this lady asking me questions, suggesting blood tests (in case menopause has begun - JOY!) 46..could be.

I ended up with a script for some anti depressants. So there it is. I fail.

I have always believed that when you have a flu, you should fight it as long as you can so that if you beat it then you get stronger and better able to fight the next cold. If you don't get better than maybe a course of antibiotics will act to help strengthen you and fight the illness and then you will fight on your own again another day.

For so long I have been strong and fought every hurdle that life has put up in front of me. Little hurdles and mountainous hurdles have, over time, strengthened me so that I have a strong coping ability. I have had people comment on how relaxed under fire I can be. Or if they know me better than they know the challenges I have faced and know that I am stronger for having faced them square on.

With all of that in mind........I still feel like I have failed myself. Anti-depressants! My sensible me knows it's just a moment in time and 'This too shall pass' as my tattoo on my arm reminds me everyday. But I still feel like a part of me has lost the battle and has curled up and is hiding in a corner somewhere. I am out of character, quick to temper, teary, unmotivated and tired yet not sleeping.

So as I pop the little blue capsule into my mouth for the first time ever in my life. I swear to myself that it is just a crutch, an antibiotic to help me strengthen my body, my mind and my emotions and find a way to get over this hurdle.

13 days to race day. I can't even guess how this is going to play out. But I am backing myself in racing and in life. I believe in myself and 'this too shall pass'.

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