112 bOTTTLES OF bEEER ON THE wwALLLLLL.......

Arrived at HQ. Looked like it was shaping up to be a nice day. Part of me secretly hoped for screaming winds, hail and a nice tornado. Actually a large part of me.

I pulled Little Red out of the back of the car and set about adding lights (weight) drink bottles, Garmin watch (more weight). Caught up with the Onion Man for a shivering hello and we wheeled our bikes over and parked them safely before heading inside to a warm but frosty reception from Coach.

Normally I love his pre-ride morning chats, usually motivating, typically a lesson or observation rolled in for good measure. He has been away with the Commonwealth Games Triathlon Team and I was expecting a chat about our heroes. Apparently not. He set about informing us that it wasn't a good enough excuse to be cold, turn for home cause its wet, call it a day cause its hard. Usually, I guess that would be motivating, but in my vulnerable state I sat there taking direct scuds to the body. I knew I wasn't the only one feeling a backhander, Katie was too. Not sure if anyone else was, but as Coach pointed out the 'girls group' seemed to be the problem and guess what...that meant me! Ouch!

I still maintain that riding up Bald Hill in the pouring rain and squalling winds is far too dangerous, especially when I have loads of alternatives like riding tomorrow! But, I get that he was trying to say, just cause its hard that isn't an excuse to turn around and head home. Still, OUCH!

I'll FUCKINNG show you. I quietly left the house and mounted up. On the ride today was Lil Dog, E.T, Katie, The Onion Man, Juannie, Benge, and Me. We headed for Bald Hill. I was still trying to warm up at 20kms when we have to climb this beast. I wasn't last up the hill. But at the top was Coach, waiting with his camera.

Me in Blue....I'll leave it home now unless its raining.

I was already shattered. Packing too much weight right now makes climbing a hard job. But  reprieve as we descended into the bowels of the Natio. And then another climb up to Garie. Here is where I felt the legs starting to struggle. Lil Dog had said she was feeling it too. But I was rapidly disappearing out the back on the bunch.

There is no smile on that figure in blue.

A quick break at Garie and then we headed along the flat to Bundeena. I hit the front and time trialled with The Onion Man. Speed 57kms, Sammi can T.T. And was told to ease. We headed down into Bundeena. And what goes down with a tail wind......

Yep, it's all smiles with me and The Onion Man. We are halfway.

Must come up with a head wind. And climb we did. And into a headwind we rode. Benge kept just in front of me and blocked the wind and rode me back to the group when I dropped the pace. I was working hard. The legs had nothing. We headed back towards Garie. Where I had time trialled, now turned into a slog as we headed up the long incline. Finally down the descent back into the Natio and the long climb out again. I set the legs to churn and secretly wished the Crew would Piss Off! leave me to it. I know they were all waiting for me and going slow. I know how frustrating it can be. I have been on the other side. You feign patience, but really it's hindering your own ride as you are not being challenged. I convinced them to go once we got back to the top of Bald Hill. With 20kms to ride I could do it on my own, in my own time. E.T insisted on staying with me and so did Juannie, so we came home with me in 2nd or 3rd wheel.

Finally, Lil Red was tucked back in the car safely and I was driving home with tears splashing on to my cheeks. I arrived home and walked into the safety of Gazza's arms. He held me while I sobbed and cuddled me while I fell into an exhausted sleep.

I woke 30mins later and showered and headed out again, Lil Red still in the back of the car and made my way North again for a study session. I arrived home at 9pm. Fell into bed and slept. Drained.

Sunday, 5am. I am hitting the books again. I need a break but I have another assignment done. I head down South to the KTC duathlon. My foot is shot and so are my legs. There is no race in me today. I chat and stand in the sun watching the runners.

Me in black in the background. The one with the back fat!

I see you Sammi, in all your magnificent vulnerability.

I see you screaming in your silence as your skin withers from your face.

I see your smell, it is rancid on the wind as you claw and scratch at the hand.

You have become your biggest fear and it oozes from you like puss from a weeping sore.

Perhaps you should disappear. Go ahead, make it so and stop.

You are not courageous, you are exposed and you stand stripped to the bone.

You are funny, I want to kick you. Go ahead, laugh with your head thrown back.

I see you Sammi, what you going to do about it, huh?

Here is My Home

As I sit here and smile.....I am reminded of how lucky I am.
Really; it is a cheap price that we pay for existence!

One of Those, Hitting Myself in the Head with a Shovel Moments...........

Sitting on the loo 2 days out from a running race wishing you were dead, or at least that you hadn't eaten what ever it was that had obviously died and decided to ruin your plans, was not exactly what I had in mind for 'pre race' prep. But you got to roll with the punches and hope 'IT' passes and doesn't leave you too drained. ok, enough detail!

Standing in the shower, (don't worry, no parental rating required here) the night before the race, head leaning against the glass trying to sum up the energy to go out with the AP.10 Crew girls, I seriously considered pulling the plug and staying home.

ok, first beer of the night rolling across the table and hitting the paving floor of the bar and Sammi is off to an epic start. I managed to make it through the night and crawled into bed, a reasonable enough 11pm.

Alarm, 4.10 in the freaking AM. Not Reasonable, Nuts! This isn't really happening. And worse still, picking up a friend on the way and a drive to Sydney doing pleasantries instead of curling up in a ball in the passenger seat for an extra hour of sleep.

Arrive at the start line for the Sydney Harbour 10k run and warming up to a Zumba shimmy with my buddies errrr not your usual (and certainly not Coach approved) way of easing in to your run day, but I had done the usual Wednesday morning warm-up and what's a little Zumba amongst friends. Finally the Codeine was kicking in, the mouth was dry and the starters gun fired. We're off and cruising.

In front, Sandra, confident in the knowledge Di and Gail were behind me, I fixed my gaze on Sandra's back and followed her through the crowd. About 1km in and feeling fine, I stepped up onto a curb. I didn't see the step off the curb and the right foot landed half off the curb and rolled forwards. Before I knew it I was 'presenting' to the runners behind me, on all fours. Nice one Sammi, FUCK!

A split second, up and running again, checking-in on the body as I ran. No time, just keep the pace, work it out later. 5kms and that all too familiar noise, the itbs are screaming, legs are tightening up once again feeling the burn raging at my knees. <insert almighty scream>

Time to dig into the hurt locker. 6kms, pain sawing across the knees. Pick a box Sammi, small harbour bridge shaped, grey, steel box, shove the pain in and just keep running. 7kms the lid of the box keeps popping off. My mind slams the lid down hard and I sit on it as 7kms pass by.

The 8km flag flapped lazily in the breeze, completely unaware of the thousands of runners passing by it. This flag signifies, 'you're all-but home, Champ.' Some perspective that's just 5 times round a 400m running track and it is all over.  Too easy!

Sandra and I had been playing tag as we passed each other at aid stations and now it was her turn to be in front. I held her in my sights and slowly closed the gap. She was fading, tiring, I could see it in her posture. The side of my knees where the fascia meets the knee bone was ripping at the joints, screaming with each step and my hips were now going out in sympathy. This is crazy, I run 10 every Wednesday, why is this day so different. Ok, I don't fall everyday either I suppose but geezus!

Up ahead a tiny flag strapped to a runner, that must be the 1 hour pacer, if I pick up the pace, I might make it under the hour. I move pass Sandra and focus on the finish line now in sight and finally I can hear the crowd, Gazza calling my name and Mel.W who unexpectedly was waiting for me at the finish line. Who wins a 5km race and then rolls over to watch an average raggy doll cross the line? 56:30! The flag in front had been the 55 minute pacer not the hour. BOOM!

I finally have time to assess my injuries. Throughout the race I had battled negative thoughts and I had decided there and then that it is time to quit this crazy journey. Seriously, enough is enough, my itbs are shot AGAIN! Even with a P.B, emotionally I am so tired of the battle with my itbs, I write Coach an email telling him I'm just about through and suggest croquet as my next sport. He pleads with me not to lose the dream.

I wake up the next morning, can't walk a step without pain searing through my foot. Oh happy days! I spent the rest of the day searching for........



 

 

and found it from within, and always, with a little help from Eric Thomas. And it helps also to hit yourself over the head with the same shovel you use to dig through the shite in search of the diamonds occasionally too. Hold on to your dreams Sammi!

 

 



Feeling Deep............

Our dreams and aspirations are threatened by our every day temptations and weaknesses. Temptation fades to irrelevance as our inner desires and self pride take precedent. Weakness becomes nonexistent as our inner strength and self assurance prevail. Carry your own weight and let the weight of the world get lighter and lighter. Patience, as step by step, the closer you get. Dreams may be far, but certainly not out of reach. Have the heart and will to put yourself out there and grab it without looking back and without second guessing. BELIEVE.

In Search of an Uncomplicated Life............

After the stresses of 2 years ago when I left a 16 year long career/job with an A-hole of a CEO, I swore that I would de-clutter and un-complicate my life! This cleansing of 'The Sammi' also involved a revamp of every other aspect of my life. During the process I found myself swinging precariously above a chasm filled with fear, trepidation and plain 'oh Fuck' of my own doing. I felt brave yet absolutely out of control. And control is what I do best, if I can't control I will manipulate or waste a heck of a lot of energy worrying and stressing.

So, I purged. I left my job and the psycho CEO. I let my girl go and watch her walk away with another. My heart broke at my own hand. I watched my scaffolds fall as my brother left for Saudi Arabia with his new wife, and even though he is still there, available on Skype, it left me void of support. I shifted my focus and allowed myself to be calm; quiet and still. I refocused on me, went back to the gym and reminded myself of the constants in my life, my Gazza! daughter, family, Triathlon and with all that I found confidence and started a fresh.

Now, a new job, not quite 2 years and I have been given a promotion to State HR Manager. I didn't apply for this position, it was given to me. Now, I have to study again, work is paying for it sure, its a qual I have needed for some time now, but I didn't ask for it. Now, a girl has come into view, she reminds me, reminds me of the bubble. Now, I am not sleeping again. I am annoyed! I don't want the stress, but I feel vindicated. I don't want to break my heart again, but I am excited and thrilled and want to F.B comment a cryptic..."I have replaced you! I am a cat, I have landed on my feet, MEOW!" 

I am annoyed because these things have broken the silence. I was enjoying the amount of time I could focus on my training. Now finally the ITBs are getting to a place where I can run and now I can't run because I have to travel a 6 hour return trip to another state! for work. AND I know this new girl is too deep, too twisted to have anything to do with her. Sensible voice moment, and just perhaps a little grown up voice mixed in there to. I don't want my cake this time, I'll pass.

I realise I sound extremely ungrateful.... but I also know where I was emotionally 2+ years ago. I was dangerously close to melt down. I don't want to go back there again. I need to protect myself. 

Transition is never easy. At the moment the stresses are high as I move into this new role, study and of course with the extra money comes extra responsibility. I need to be patient and see how this plays out. But I also need to reassure myself, I can simply walk away!

Some Days it Rains Giant Lumps of Coal

But some days it rains diamonds!

Sooooo, a mixed bag of happenings since our return from Port Stephens. The best thing to up date is the fitness and knees continue to go from strength to strength.

Last weekend was a 3 day weekend which I extended to 5 days taking an extra day off work either side of it to get some R&R with Gazza. There were lots of plans made, but the weather decided to play havoc with the plans and we ended up seizing 2 days in the middle for an overnight camp out.

We chose a hike 2 hours away from home and a walk in, camp, walk out. We aimed for Corang Peak in the Morton National Park, Near Wog Wog (Nerriga), NSW. A beautiful spot with not a soul around.

We set out, for what we consider, an easy to moderate walk. 4+ hours later we chose a camp site. But before we did we hit the top of the Corang Peak on a beautiful clear blue day.



Corang Peak, about 3kms out

I enjoyed the day so much with Gazza, chatting happily about life, and loving the trail. I carried about 15kgs and Gazza about 18kggs in our packs and over 13kms and 4+hrs of hiking, I expected to be pretty shattered. Although weary, it wasn't depleting and I was very happy with our efforts.

After a lovely night in front of a raging fire and a few Cowboys and marshmallows and 12 hours of snuggled up sleep in absolute solitude, we struck out for home. The morning revealed a very different day, grey and wet. But we were ready for it and dressed in our dry gear we headed for home.

We arrived back at the car, stripped off our wet gear, put the heater on nuclear and smashed a block of chocolate on the way home. What an amazing couple of days.

Back to reality and it was Wednesday run group. Coach called for my attendance at run group so I was up at 4.30am and racing through the dark to arrive. I joined the group and we headed out. I was a little worried about the legs and how they might feel after the hike. The feet were a little sore in places, but the itbs are always in the back of my mind. I shouldn't have worried, I ran comfortably and kept up with the girls, although still at the back of the pack. I have to remind myself that I run with professional athletes as they race past me at a blitzing pace.

It is so dark in the morning now that we need to run along the bike track, but eventually it was light enough for us to hit the paddock for the rest of the run. I clocked up 9.16kmms and the itbs were just fine! So very happy.

I headed off to work, still happy, but I new today wasn't going to be a great day. Yep, 2 of my team were made redundant, while I was given a promotion to Southern NSW & ACT HR Manager.

It means travel. I am going to need to be creative and ensure that I find a way to keep my training going. Yes, they have pools and running tracks and riding trails in Canberra. It will be about finding a way. I also am not looking forward to being away overnights in Canberra and away from Gazza. He seems fine with the idea. hmmmmm time will tell.

Still Buzzing........No Batteries Required!

Its been an unexpectedly surprisingly great tri season for me.
As it draws to a close (and the real work is just beginning!) I am left looking back over my shoulder and shaking my head in disbelief. Wow, what a ride.

I remember saying to Coach in about October last year...'Coach, I have lost my happy thought.' He gave me a month off to go tour around Hawaii and Canada. I returned to the Crew still well below par and ready to pull the pin. A series of rough itb flare ups and a tantrum from hell and I even started to seriously doubt whether I could pull myself back up outta the buh that had engulfed me.

In a desperate last ditch effort to crawl back, I announced to Coach that I wouldn't be racing this season. I wanted to go right back to basics and start building up the Onion core and hopefully even lay down a few thin layers of resilience. I hoped this was a sensible, no pressure, approach.

The plan worked and shortly after Christmas I found a little oomph and started looking at racing again.

Now with 4 races under my belt (1 dropped due to illness) I am left at the end of the season with a good taste in my mouth and the want to do it all again.

Last weekend was the last triathlon race of the season for me at Port Stephens. It was a pretty stressful time at work prior, but once I drove to Port Stephens and met up with my buddies, the weekend began and I enjoyed the company and laughs.

The usual nerves kicked in pre-race with the 'I don't want to do this, I'll roll over and stay in bed' thoughts. But I managed to keep these at bay and once my bike was racked I started to get excited. I am discovering that I need to hover 'helicopter style' outside my body slightly on race mornings, it helps.

The water was incredibly warm for so late in the season and I could have quite easily have stayed and played in the small breakers. But it was race day. I checked the water and decided against using the rip to get out behind the breakers this time. It was running hard, but away from the buoy. I went the shorter option and I think it paid off with a 3rd position out of the water. I kept the power at moderate, hoping this would pay off in the run.

One Mile Beach, Anna Bay, Port Stephens

Out on the bike I was very happy and pushed some big gears. With no speedo on board it was hard to know what speed I was doing, but going by feel I think I was cranking along pretty good. The rolling hills at the turn around point proved tricky with my bike gearing mucking up yet again. My race wheels are not happy with the arrangement. I am going to have to work on this. Bike is in for a tune up this week. On the way back to the start though, I ran out of gears and could have powered more. At the end I had the fastest ride in my age group. Boom! Happy days.

I hit the run a little concerned about the off road section of the course. A single track with exposed tree roots, surely the itbs would not be happy at all. BUT! They hung on and I ran the two laps without stopping except for a quick drink through the aid stations. Overall 2nd!

Later that night was the presentation and no way. 2nd on the point score! Life doesn't get any better. What a way to finish the year!

Fair chuffed with my efforts, a pleasant surprise!

 

Not sure how I ended up centre, but me and the ITC and KTC
members cleaning up at the presentation night.

Time to relax.......

I headed home via Richmond to pick up Gazza, who had just finished his 100kmm ultra through the blue mountains. In under 18hours. A very tired pair as we drove home in convoy.

Looking forward now, it's time to pick it up a notch and head for the future and what's next.

Olympic distance.

Garmin Vectra pedals are here and ready to go on. I'm taking Lil Red in for a service and get the power metre put on. woohooo. I'm very excited. I've also decided to spend a little time down south this winter and ride with Rob and Al.

Lil Red, pondering the future and enjoying the end of a great season

Feeling fine, on laughs and good times.......