112 bOTTTLES OF bEEER ON THE wwALLLLLL.......

Arrived at HQ. Looked like it was shaping up to be a nice day. Part of me secretly hoped for screaming winds, hail and a nice tornado. Actually a large part of me.

I pulled Little Red out of the back of the car and set about adding lights (weight) drink bottles, Garmin watch (more weight). Caught up with the Onion Man for a shivering hello and we wheeled our bikes over and parked them safely before heading inside to a warm but frosty reception from Coach.

Normally I love his pre-ride morning chats, usually motivating, typically a lesson or observation rolled in for good measure. He has been away with the Commonwealth Games Triathlon Team and I was expecting a chat about our heroes. Apparently not. He set about informing us that it wasn't a good enough excuse to be cold, turn for home cause its wet, call it a day cause its hard. Usually, I guess that would be motivating, but in my vulnerable state I sat there taking direct scuds to the body. I knew I wasn't the only one feeling a backhander, Katie was too. Not sure if anyone else was, but as Coach pointed out the 'girls group' seemed to be the problem and guess what...that meant me! Ouch!

I still maintain that riding up Bald Hill in the pouring rain and squalling winds is far too dangerous, especially when I have loads of alternatives like riding tomorrow! But, I get that he was trying to say, just cause its hard that isn't an excuse to turn around and head home. Still, OUCH!

I'll FUCKINNG show you. I quietly left the house and mounted up. On the ride today was Lil Dog, E.T, Katie, The Onion Man, Juannie, Benge, and Me. We headed for Bald Hill. I was still trying to warm up at 20kms when we have to climb this beast. I wasn't last up the hill. But at the top was Coach, waiting with his camera.

Me in Blue....I'll leave it home now unless its raining.

I was already shattered. Packing too much weight right now makes climbing a hard job. But  reprieve as we descended into the bowels of the Natio. And then another climb up to Garie. Here is where I felt the legs starting to struggle. Lil Dog had said she was feeling it too. But I was rapidly disappearing out the back on the bunch.

There is no smile on that figure in blue.

A quick break at Garie and then we headed along the flat to Bundeena. I hit the front and time trialled with The Onion Man. Speed 57kms, Sammi can T.T. And was told to ease. We headed down into Bundeena. And what goes down with a tail wind......

Yep, it's all smiles with me and The Onion Man. We are halfway.

Must come up with a head wind. And climb we did. And into a headwind we rode. Benge kept just in front of me and blocked the wind and rode me back to the group when I dropped the pace. I was working hard. The legs had nothing. We headed back towards Garie. Where I had time trialled, now turned into a slog as we headed up the long incline. Finally down the descent back into the Natio and the long climb out again. I set the legs to churn and secretly wished the Crew would Piss Off! leave me to it. I know they were all waiting for me and going slow. I know how frustrating it can be. I have been on the other side. You feign patience, but really it's hindering your own ride as you are not being challenged. I convinced them to go once we got back to the top of Bald Hill. With 20kms to ride I could do it on my own, in my own time. E.T insisted on staying with me and so did Juannie, so we came home with me in 2nd or 3rd wheel.

Finally, Lil Red was tucked back in the car safely and I was driving home with tears splashing on to my cheeks. I arrived home and walked into the safety of Gazza's arms. He held me while I sobbed and cuddled me while I fell into an exhausted sleep.

I woke 30mins later and showered and headed out again, Lil Red still in the back of the car and made my way North again for a study session. I arrived home at 9pm. Fell into bed and slept. Drained.

Sunday, 5am. I am hitting the books again. I need a break but I have another assignment done. I head down South to the KTC duathlon. My foot is shot and so are my legs. There is no race in me today. I chat and stand in the sun watching the runners.

Me in black in the background. The one with the back fat!

I see you Sammi, in all your magnificent vulnerability.

I see you screaming in your silence as your skin withers from your face.

I see your smell, it is rancid on the wind as you claw and scratch at the hand.

You have become your biggest fear and it oozes from you like puss from a weeping sore.

Perhaps you should disappear. Go ahead, make it so and stop.

You are not courageous, you are exposed and you stand stripped to the bone.

You are funny, I want to kick you. Go ahead, laugh with your head thrown back.

I see you Sammi, what you going to do about it, huh?