After the stresses of 2 years ago when I left a 16 year long career/job with an A-hole of a CEO, I swore that I would de-clutter and un-complicate my life! This cleansing of 'The Sammi' also involved a revamp of every other aspect of my life. During the process I found myself swinging precariously above a chasm filled with fear, trepidation and plain 'oh Fuck' of my own doing. I felt brave yet absolutely out of control. And control is what I do best, if I can't control I will manipulate or waste a heck of a lot of energy worrying and stressing.
So, I purged. I left my job and the psycho CEO. I let my girl go and watch her walk away with another. My heart broke at my own hand. I watched my scaffolds fall as my brother left for Saudi Arabia with his new wife, and even though he is still there, available on Skype, it left me void of support. I shifted my focus and allowed myself to be calm; quiet and still. I refocused on me, went back to the gym and reminded myself of the constants in my life, my Gazza! daughter, family, Triathlon and with all that I found confidence and started a fresh.
Now, a new job, not quite 2 years and I have been given a promotion to State HR Manager. I didn't apply for this position, it was given to me. Now, I have to study again, work is paying for it sure, its a qual I have needed for some time now, but I didn't ask for it. Now, a girl has come into view, she reminds me, reminds me of the bubble. Now, I am not sleeping again. I am annoyed! I don't want the stress, but I feel vindicated. I don't want to break my heart again, but I am excited and thrilled and want to F.B comment a cryptic..."I have replaced you! I am a cat, I have landed on my feet, MEOW!"
I am annoyed because these things have broken the silence. I was enjoying the amount of time I could focus on my training. Now finally the ITBs are getting to a place where I can run and now I can't run because I have to travel a 6 hour return trip to another state! for work. AND I know this new girl is too deep, too twisted to have anything to do with her. Sensible voice moment, and just perhaps a little grown up voice mixed in there to. I don't want my cake this time, I'll pass.
I realise I sound extremely ungrateful.... but I also know where I was emotionally 2+ years ago. I was dangerously close to melt down. I don't want to go back there again. I need to protect myself.
Transition is never easy. At the moment the stresses are high as I move into this new role, study and of course with the extra money comes extra responsibility. I need to be patient and see how this plays out. But I also need to reassure myself, I can simply walk away!